Thursday, August 11, 2005

just one more thing

a couple of things actually. wow! that was a quick turn around between those last two posts. what was i going to say? oh! jack johnson's "in between dreams" is such an awesome album. totally relaxing, plus his voice is oozes sexiness. and dial-up service is soooooooo slow! there was something else, but... eh, forget it.
paranoid donavan spoke at 1:59 AM

i'll have a slice of optimism

so, i've come to accept, finally, that everything that has happened to me in the past, i cannot change. all that i can do is accept it and try to make sure that the same mistakes are not repeated in the future. with that, a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and you will never be able to fully comprehend how great that feels.

instead of wasting my time worrying about things that i don't have the power to change, i must change the things that i have the power of controlling. i'm constantly complaining about my life when there such simple solutions to all of my problems. knowing this, i still have yet to do them. all that i need to do is get a freakin' job. getting a job would easily solve a large chunk of all of my stresses. so why haven't i done so? ehh, i'm sure i have some sort of masochistic inclination.

anyway, things are getting better. i have much to look forward to. school will be starting. along with money, there will be new people to meet and hot boys to check out. hahahaha! plus, i'm definately going to be going to a gwen stefani concert. whether that will be in san diego or phoenix has yet to be deteremined. finally, i have the power to control my future, and knowing that makes me feel so much better.

a big thanks must be said to mick. they comments that you leave are so comforting and make me feel that much better. it's great knowing that someone understands or that they can relate to how you are feeling. in addition, i just need to put in writing and say to my cousin cissy, I LOVE YOU. i'm so glad that she's my cousin.

so........ until i'm knocked back down. hahahah! i'm kidding. but have a great day.
paranoid donavan spoke at 1:45 AM

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

"in my head,it's only in my head"

okay, so life has thrown yet another shit storm my way. am i surprised? frankly, no. lately, i've just come to expect that i will be unhappy for an extended period of time. it's great that i got today out of the way though because it was causing me a lot of stress.

i don't know when or how i became so uncool. i was once happy with the person that i was. i had hopes and ambitions, and now it seems as though i've just completely abandoned all of them. never in my life did i ever think that my life would be in the current state that it is in: shambles. i feel like a complete outsider. i find it very depressing that i have to hide things from my family. i feel even more like an outsider around my family than i do around total strangers. sad, really.

in addition, many of my friendships have crumbled due to my inability to vocalize my frustrations. it's very hard for me to express my feelings. i realize that people i know are not mind readers, but it's almost impossible for me to open up like that. i just let my feelings build up until the explode, usually in a very emotional, drunken breakdown... bleh. so i placed my friendships with monique and diedra on a temporary hiatus. i don't know how long it will last or even if it will be temporary. but they were just starting to bring me down, and i really don't need any more things in my life to make me feel shitty.

my life, much like my car, needs a lot of work. but i'll get there.
paranoid donavan spoke at 5:59 PM

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

fuckin', fuckin', fuckin', shit!

this has got to be the crapiest summer EVER! first of all, i don't know how, but it seems that everyone that i know has mysteriously disappeared save for monique and diedra. what happened to everyone? now, i know i shouldn't feel such bitterness towards my girls, but lately they've been doing really well whilst i get one shit storm after another. i just don't understand.

i'm completely broke. i started out my summer optimistic about a summer job, but when i applied and failed to receive any return phone calls, i loss hope and simply gave up. i think that is a problem that i have. i'm so quick to give up. i know that the simple solution would have been to continue submitting applications, but once things don't work out, i become a total pessimist. horrible.

also, i have this H U G E issue that i'm dealing with. i've been dealing with it since the begining of summer. i really don't know what to do about it. i really can't talk to anyone about it, either because it's just so incredibly embarassing and shameful. but the people that i have spoken to about it simply tell me that i shouldn't worry. apparently it's not such a big deal as it has happened to many people that they know. well, i know several people that it has happened to. i'm just so blown away because, well to be redundant, "i never thought that it would happen to me." boo hoo hoo.

so in additon to that problem and my ever increasing financial troubles, my fuckin' car decided that it just had to break down! so my parents shell out $800 dollars to get my clutch replaced (which i have to reimburse them half for), then the piece of shit has even more stuff that needs to be fixed. apparently my water pump is leaking which causes my engine to overheat quickly. fuck! there's another $400 that i don't have that i could spend on something frivolous like clothes. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!

i just feel as though nothing is working out for me. someone out there has a vendetta with my name written all over it. i don't know. and if you know me, you know that i'm not a person who likes to talk about their problems and bring down the party, so to speak. therefore, i've been keeping all of this inside. now, i have nothing but chronic headaches and a miserable attitude towards life. even my mom, my mom of all people, told me the other day, "you worry to much." ha! i always thought that no one worried more than my mom and she told me that I worry too much. how ironic is that?

what i really need to be doing right now is running, but i have gone running in a while. it's great to run because my head is cleard of all of my troubles and i only focus on running as best as i can. i've just been so lazy lately that i've been doing nothing but eating my feelings. YIKES! but i'll hop back on wagon.

the only thing that i can do is simply weather the storm and learn from it. but i'm not good at finding lessons. i'm practially a 20 year old child. i've learned no lessons. perhaps that's my problem. i just don't know. school is starting soon and hopefully i'll be able to invest all of my time in that and eventually things will get better. with school comes money... sooo woot! woot! (just thought i'd end with some optimisim.) that's it for now, and i hope things are going better for you.
paranoid donavan spoke at 3:38 PM

Thursday, July 07, 2005

hello people

so i'm still alive. i swear to god, absolutely nothing is working out. i'd rather not discuss it. but i'm still alive.
paranoid donavan spoke at 4:43 PM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

"such a feeling's coming over me..."

I'M CONVINCED THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE. EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT, RIGHT? Just gotta keep on keeping on. Hahahaha... Have you purchased my birthday gift yet?
paranoid donavan spoke at 2:33 PM

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

life is hell

for real! i'm completely broke. things just have not been working out for me lately. i got my internet service disconnected! i'm completely cut off from communication with the world. some ghetto guy stole my phone! i can't seem to find a job! i'm so over all of this. in addition, something extremely life altering has happened and i don't know how to go about fixing the problem. well, i need money to really fix it. dammit! if you have money you can fix anything! so... if you're just dying to know what happened.. i'll tell you, just e-mail me. bleh.

on a brighter note, there are only 26 days until my birthday. nearly two decades and counting!
paranoid donavan spoke at 5:02 PM

Monday, May 16, 2005

holla @ ur boy, byotch!

so i got all of my grades today. you wanna hear? are you just dying to know so that you can join the celebration? well, boys, i got the dean's list!!! HOLLA!!! so yeah. don't even try to get on my level. hahahaa! hence, my dawgs and i are celebrating the end of yet another successful semester.

i went to a party on friday night and someone stole my phone! can you imagine? i guess it serves me right. i was voted most faded and allowed some stranger to use my phone, next thing i know, the fool is gone! i'm so over doing favors for people!

anyway, i'm just trying to find a job and party now. it's summer; let's live it up. fo' real, get on my level... hahahaha!
paranoid donavan spoke at 8:40 PM